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Wednesday, February 4th, 2009
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there's something about hollywood week on american idol that ALWAYS makes me cry. and no, it isn't because AI has somehow turned to PDA -- i don't really need their back stories and what nots, that's just too contrived. it's just seeing how happy people are when they make it through to the next round. it's that burst of raw emotion that always gets to me and makes me bawl like a little girl. as i've learned in acting, it's always JOY that's hard to express, more than sadness and anger. possibly because it's an emotion so overwhelming that any spectator couldn't help but just be affected by it. look at slumdog millionaire. there's a reason why everybody loves it. it has that feeling of joy and triumph that just easily pulls on everyone's heartstrings. but i digress.
anyway, back to AI. of course there are those who don't make it through, yet they are still very determined to pursue their dreams, because it's their passion and they won't let a competition like AI get in the way of that.
which just got me into thinking tonight. there are a lot of sucky singers who go on the show who somehow believe they'll make it big someday. and they're determined to pursue their dreams no matter what. and i want to laugh at their faces and ask them 'are you kidding me?!?!'
but tonight i just got into thinking. should i still be pursuing my dream? when should i say to myself enough is enough? when should i start listening to the simon cowells of the world and just let him call my boss so i could have my old job back?
too bad i missed the sunset today. maybe tomorrow.
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Wednesday, January 7th, 2009
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i spent the first few days of 09 cleaning my room. it was a REAL challenge at first, trying to figure out which things are worth keeping and which should just be tossed away, but i got better at it after a while.
so i'm thinking 09 should be about getting rid of unnecessary clutter and focusing on things that really matter. (nye nag-rhyme!) there was this meme about 10 things you want to tell 10 people and this is my way of de-cluttering my life (and getting rid of stupid excess baggage!).
1. it frustrates me how you don't seem to ever grow up. that you still think of nothing but yourself when you have kids to think about. it's good that you treat them like your friends but really, sometimes, they need their mom. even though they don't say it, i see it. and it sucks because it seems too late for you now to play the mom card.
2. i fought for you, i believed in you and trusted you. and you turned out to be such an asshole about the whole thing - and it's not just because you left but because you were stupid enough to say the things you did. i try my best to live without regrets and well, you're not worth regretting anyway. i'd much rather forget.
3. i honestly think it's pathetic what you did. and to take everybody else for the ride was just plain stupid. i hate being lied to, and somehow that just canceled out whatever friendship we had.
4. you're lucky. and i can't for the life of me begin to understand what the hell you did to deserve what you're getting.
5. i envy the loyalty you have for your friends. and i also envy how you could still afford to feel life the way you do. and though i don't exactly know what you're going through nor could i say that i could help you in anyway, i just want you to know that i'm just a text away and we could have a couple of beers while you bitch about life as i try to be my perky self.
6. we're not the type of friends who would give each other a call when our world's falling apart. the years i've known you, i could count with one hand the actual moments we opened up and poured our hearts out to each other. but that doesn't mean that i don't hate that you're leaving. i really, really do.
7. i sometimes try and think about that exact moment that caused us to be this disconnected. and though it's probably better this way - you know, pretending that we both don't exist in each other's lives - i just want you to know that it sucks for you. i would've been a great friend if you gave me the chance.
8. i hate that you're far away. i try to be supportive all the time and maybe that's why i've never found the courage to tell you how much this new dynamic scares me. but i'm thankful that whenever playing cheerleader becomes exhausting, you give me reason to remember why i do what i do.
9. YUCK. YOU'RE GROSS!
10. i tried to talk to you about it over and over again but you NEVER. SEEM. TO. GET. IT. and though i can't ever give up on trying to please you, i could only hope that you could finally see the light and just let me do what i want.
( hay. because i'm a victim of jake's entries! )
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Sunday, December 28th, 2008
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this year's christmas was the first time i didn't go up to my room right after noche buena and finishing a bottle of wine with my family. right after midnight, eric came over and we watched serendipity on tv while drinking more wine and talking, talking, talking. at the start of the year, ella made me promise not to act bubbly when there's no reason for me to be. this year, i've been laughing more than i have ever laughed ever since i "grew up", and they were all sincere and heartfelt laughs. i'm thankful for a lot of things, scared about a lot of things, but i am generally confident that next year would still be filled with much laughter. :)
so anyway, it's that time of the year to look back, evaluate, and look forward. and so..
( survey time! )
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Tuesday, December 2nd, 2008
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i spent almost half the night stuck in my hotel room. i mean, it's okay, i need to rest because work has started to take a toll on my body and my voice but booooooooo everybody's talking about the moon and i didn't get to see it!!!
i mean eric even texted me and told me to look at it and i'm such a SUCKER for the night sky (actually all kinds of skies, i love looking up and catching a glimpse of God's home, yes it's still where heaven is for me) and i DIDN'T!!!!!!! i was too busy walking around shopping for pasalubong and trying my best to guard my bag to make sure no one tries to snatch it and blah blah blah blah anyway point is I SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT AND I DIDN'T. :(
please, God, please please please show me another smiling sky.. :(
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Monday, November 17th, 2008
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i haven't watched the sunset in too long. or just stopped and admired pink clouds.
christmas is coming.
the year's about to end.
i'm still kinda lost.
it's okay. i know things will look up.
thank you for the last three weekends.
i'm keeping you, okay?
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Thursday, November 6th, 2008
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yup, that's me acting with ricky davao! it's not for commercial release or anything, it's for a friend's directing class in mowelfund. but yeah, i acted with ricky davao AND gina alajar. (!!)
i have been hearing that 'you should get a stable job that gives you benefits!' speech from my mom a lot lately. and a lot of my friends are getting ready to pack their bags and leave the country. and i've been left confused about the "career choices" i'm making.. i've been feeling that i should just abandon the dream i've been chasing and just get a stable job that will make me spiritually starved but financially obese.
but then there are moments like those, no matter how fleeting, that inspire me not to give up just yet. yeah, maybe someday, i'll be lucky enough to have a job that will make me both spiritually AND financially obese, but i'm nowhere close to that right now. because now, it's just one or the other. and while the starving artist label still looks good on me, i'll wear it as proudly as i can.
so take that universe! do whatever you want to do with me but i ain't budging! nothing's gonna stop me from chasing my dream, dammit.
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Friday, October 17th, 2008
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much has been said about the 150,000 euro (P6.93M) the russian government found on dela paz on his way out of their country. the PNP and the DILG has been quick to defend and help dela paz, saying that the money is the contingency fund of the PNP delegates (composed of 8 officials) to the interpol. that the money is subject to liquidation as soon as dela paz gets home, and that it wasn't meant to be spent fully on their 4-day convention. that the spouses of the officials who were with them on the trip - the invitations for the interpol are also extended to the wives because there are social activities they had to attend to - are not covered by the contingency fund. that moscow is a very expensive city and it is important that our delegation would have money for unplanned activities or unexpected emergencies. that it was a lapse on the part of dela paz to not have declared the amount when he landed on russia.
the breakdown of expenses for the trip released to the media shows that the plane ticket, a pre-departure allowance, the per diem, and the visa and insurance application amounts to P2.314M for all 8 officials. it remains unanswered if this amount is included in the P6.93M dela paz has as the disbursement officer of the delegation or if this is an amount separate from said money. of course there are hotel rooms and perhaps meals (if not covered by the interpol) to be taken into consideration as well.
as soon as dela paz arrives here in the philippines, he is expected to give a complete breakdown of his delegation's expenses and this is supposedly the reason why we shouldn't be reacting so harshly right away regarding the whole situation. because we will all find out what exactly they spent the money on and he's returning the amount of money they weren't able to use.
what frustrates the hell out of me about the whole situation is that you have 8 people representing the country to an international general assembly and it's easy to shell out P6.93M for their unplanned activities. granted, this assembly is important. granted, it would be terrible for the delegation to be unprepared for these unplanned activities or god forbid, a possible emergency. we have to be prepared for these things.
and yet here in our own country where almost everything is falling apart right before our very eyes, a not-expensive-at-all country at that, it is hard for the government to release whatever amount of money they have to save it. june of every year, newspaper headlines scream that public schools are forced to hold classes under mango trees because the buildings are not enough for the students who want to learn. whenever the rainy season comes, there's flood everywhere because our garbage and drainage problems have never been properly addressed. and just how many people die every year because they can't afford food on their tables?
but of course you send 8 people abroad to represent our country, give them P6.9M for unforeseen events. never mind the people of our own country suffering and dying right before our very eyes. they're not worth spending on. not as much as the unplanned activities of PNP officials anyway.
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Wednesday, October 1st, 2008
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during the orsem of my freshie year, i wanted to blast the heads of all those fuckers yelling "MOB!!". it was bad enough that they looked like they were enjoying torturing us helpless freshies, but it usually happened just when i finally had time to settle, relax and compose myself. pola even gave us a rule not to relax because that always seemed like their cue to yell "MOB!!!" at the top of their lungs (sometimes with a wang-wang to boot). so for three days, even at those thoughtful rest stops, we tried our best not to rest and relax because of the threat of being chased by yelling and sirens.
if college was supposedly our first taste of the real world, then that would be the best lesson it taught me: to never feel too comfortable because before you know it you have to fuckin' MOB!!! again.
like when you find someone who seemingly feels like a perfect fit to your aimless college student existence but you realize that the relationship just has to end.
like when you had no choice but to get the most difficult professor, and just when you got the hang of being in his/her class and adjusting your schedule to accommodate the requirements, the sem is over and you find yourself adjusting to a new and even more difficult professor.
like when you just got to know every angle you thought you could flesh from your character in a play and it's already closing night.
it's been more than a year since i've been thrust to the "real real world" and what do you know? i got too comfortable so that just triggered the sirens and the yelling so i'm left with no choice but to MOB!!! again.
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Sunday, September 21st, 2008
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after watching the game (WUHOO!!!! GO ATENEOOOOOOO!!!) pola, mark, miyo and i headed to cantina. and i asked the waiter again, 'magsasara na ba talaga kayo?'
his response:
"MAGSASARA 'YUNG CHIGGY'S, MAG-E-EXPAND ANG CANTINA"
here's to more zombies and drinking like there's no tomorrow!
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Thursday, September 18th, 2008
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ateneans have been talking about cantina closing. yesterday, i decided to go and find out if the news was true. so i asked the waiter 'sir, totoo bang magsasara na kayo?' and poor waiter nodded, and immediately turned away. oh, mr. waiter, if you only knew how much it also broke my heart!
cantina has been THE college drinking place for most ateneans. you just go up the overpass and walk a few steps and you get all the beer and zombie your allowance can afford. it has seen a lot of us flirt, even more of us puke, and all of us drinking like there's no thesis that had to be defended the next day.
it opened when i was in 2nd year college, during the 3PO days - and there were a lot of things going on during that play that had most of the members up each others' asses. what made us all come together was the pitchers and pitchers of zombie the TA alums paid for every night after prod work or rehearsals. there was even a night when the bill amounted to about P9,000, i think - all because of zombie pitchers.
cantina was where i had one too many fangirl moments - with jay contreras, with los of OBS, with teroy guzman. cantina was where phil and i first held hands, and where we broke up. cantina was where i introduced eric to most of my college friends and favorite directors. cantina was where jj came up with the idea of staging fluid, bringing back a lot of TA25 people together again. cantina was where i bonded with a lot of people i consider life-long friends, it was where we helped each other get through heartbreaks, it was where i have done a lot of crazy things in college. heck, i think 75% of my college experience is in cantina!
rumor has it that it is closing down to make way for a shakey's expansion, or that it will be replaced by another bar. whatever they plan to do with that small space that holds a LOT of my memories, i just have to say i'm glad i still have a couple of parrot stirrers they used to serve with the zombie pithcers. yeah, whatever happened to that?
i'll miss you cantina!!
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Friday, September 5th, 2008
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you knew what it meant when i used to send you text messages like that in the middle of the night. right now i'm sending you another gibberish message, and i know in my heart that you still understand what it means.
it's disappointing how insensitive people can get. and infuriating how everybody's making "sympathetic" comments as if what happened is something they could all feast on. as if you could just pin down what happened to a single statement or dismiss it as something that happened because of whatever stupid reason they're claiming. but i guess that's just how it goes. i just thought that these men and women for others knew better than to be this insensitive.
ok lang balweg. ako na lang ulit magagalit para sa'yo dito. baka may mga bakal ng riles na hindi mo nahanap sa baranggay natin at kailangan mong kolektahin diyan. alam kong mahahanap mo rin ang hinahanap mo. ikaw pa. padadalhan pa rin kita ng gibberish messages ha. magkikita pa tayo ulit.
rest in peace gelo.
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Thursday, August 28th, 2008
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like i mentioned in an earlier entry, my weekends are spent hosting the pre-show for ben10 at the ayala malls. the main show has 3 australians - one of them a theatre actor, the other 2 are stuntmen - acting out different roles from the cartoon, along with other filipinos who also do the other alien roles. anyway, the aussies are really nice, and they told me they haven't really seen much of manila save for greenbelt (because their hotel is right across greenbelt 5) and so far, glorietta and market! market! where we have had shows already. so eric and i offered to take them out, and normie (one of the stuntmen) told eric that he'll blame us if they won't have a nice time. so the pressure's on.
whenever we talk about what they've been doing ever since they got here, they just tell me about all these people they meet at the bars in greenbelt. so i thought to myself, oh no, these guys would want to go clubbing, and i HATE going to clubs. but then again, we promised them a good time, and if that's their idea of a good time, that's what we'll give them. the original plan was to bring them first to MOA (so we could have dinner by the bay and they could catch the manila bay sunset) and then bring them to the fort after. but then it started raining hard and eric and i decided against bringing them to MOA. so eric and i came up with plan B - dinner at greenbelt, and then fish for where they want to go after.
during dinner, they told us they've heard about balut, arnis and greenhills. that they could see how good filipinas are at bumping and grinding but they hope to see someone do 'the candle dance' (at which point normie got the candle from the table and demonstrated how he's seen filipinos do it in australia) and 'the stick dance' (which i realized after a good 5 minutes was tinikling). all the while they were ordering san mig light, telling us about how red horse killed them the first night they were here. and i felt so glad that they're not really up for going to a club that night.
so eric and i brought them to memento and they had their first taste of boy bastos (which we realized doesn't have a direct translation in english and that's another thing that makes it so special!). we talked about lea salonga (stuart, the theatre actor, saw cinderella last week), how they saw imelda marcos twice already, and then we promised to take them to greenhills next week.
it's just frustrating on my part that they had to be the ones to tell me how they wanted to see our country. i promised myself before that given the chance to show foreigners the philippines, i'll show them the little things that make our country so beautiful - and that isn't limited to all those clubs in the fort. sure, we could bring them there, but that's not ALL there is to see here. it's our culture that they want to get to know - not the starbucks-drinking, hiphop-dancing, burger-eating version of us. (though they LOVE jollibee, haha)
it's a bit of a surprise for me that it took these aussies downing san mig light after san mig light to remind me why i find our country so damn beautiful.
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Sunday, August 10th, 2008
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random thought #1
my childhood best friend got married last friday.
what i love about weddings is that it is the PERFECT venue for sentimental cheesy schmucks like me. because you can do all the cheesy love shit you wanna do and it's OKAY because it's a wedding! and you can cry all you want over the littlest things (i.e. OMG it's THAT song from romeo and juliet *tear tear tear*; awwww adi is giving a speech *tear tear tear*; they're kissing! *tear tear tear!*) and it's OKAY! and you can eat all the dessert you want and drink anything you want from the bar list and it's FREE!
random thought #2
i watched rep's mulan today. twice! and it makes my heart ache watching people perform because i want to be on that damn stage as well! why why whyyyyyyy can't i sing? :( everytime i ask people if they know about auditions for plays they tell me 'meron! ay! kaya lang musical siya..' and i'm thisclose to getting voice lessons just so that i could audition and act again. i miss the stage.
random thought #3
my next four weekends will be spent with ben 10! go to the ayala malls and see ben 10 and his omnitrix aliens! damn i have to know all the aliens' names. okay, i'll google that in a bit.
random thought #4
I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE TRAINEES' PARTY THIS WEEKEND!!! YAY FOR PARTIES OLD-SCHOOL TA-STYLE!!! YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY!!!
random thought #5
*this is actually just cheesy shit and well i'll just spare you and keep it to myself*
random thought #6
i actually went home before 12am on a saturday and damn i still have make up on so i better remove it and hit the shower and then try to go to sleep. oh wait, i have to google ben 10 and his omnitrix aliens first. (what does omnitrix even mean? is that a real word?) yeah, i'll do that now.
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fifteen years ago i...
was in first grade. 1-ilang-ilang! i was appointed class president by our teacher probably because she forgot that the class had to vote and she needed to send officers to the induction mass that same day. being the girl seated on the first row right in front of the teacher's table, i guess it was just convenient for her to do that. i got a kick out of having the responsibility of holding the chalk and writing 'noisy girls' and 'standing girls' on the board. afternoons after school was spent pretending i was princess sara. good times!
ten years ago i...
was in sixth grade. oh god, i was student council vice president! hahaha wow i had a nice political career going for me back then! mornings were spent under the kalachuchi trees, when it was considered kewl to spell out the names of your class with fallen kalachuchi flowers on the grass. i had the KEWLEST barkada ever, we were so KEWL, we had to name ourselves PANCAKE. hahahahahaha go, 6-bughaw! that was also when i met my best friend who's in canada now, narf. we used to go to her house in xavierville all the time after class, where her dad would serve fried bananas for us! and we felt so rebelliously KEWL again when we were able to sneak her sister's rented copy of american pie for our 12-year old eyes to watch.
five years ago i...
was in fourth year high school. i went to indiana university for two weeks to experience 'university life' in the states, and got exposed to different cultures from all over the world. i saw a squirrel for the first time and i wanted to run around the dorm to tell everybody about it and they all wanted to go 'huh? there are no squirrels in the philippines?'. i remember going back to school in miriam on the day of my birthday, and everyone was cutting out stars from yellow cartolina and i didn't bother asking why. it was part of syete's surprise for me - i LOVE stars and they wore it for the whole day. they gave me a cake made out of honey stars, and i blew out the candles as they sang for me. i still don't know how i passed physics. sir belardo is still the hottest physics teacher alive.
two years ago i...
was in fourth year college. i was TA's sec-gen and our planning session was spent cooped up for 4 days straight in 12Q without seeing the sun even once. it felt like the big brother house, TA-style, where every knock on the door had us hiding in our nooks because of the possibility of ninja attacks. thank God for JC's eyetoy, our nights were entertaining enough. i did the second most memorable play of my college life, middle finger po, (bayan-bayanan would always be THE most memorable play i did) where i had to show the audience my lacy red underwear. i barely attended my theo 151 class but somehow i got a B+ even though i know i overcut. like all TA members, i was full-time TA, part-time student.
one year ago i...
graduated from college and was pressured to get a job because everybody else was employed already. i worked a lot of odd jobs, finally settling for a marketing job for this production house in hopes that they could send me to the shoots of my clients. no luck there. i did fluid with people who loved theatre and dairy queen as much as i did. it was my most mature role to date, but that was easily beat later that year when i had to play a mom who has an affair with a priest for the short film in DOM. i had a short stint on the radio, i had a print ad come out, and i was co-hosting a tv show. so i guess my 4 years as a comm major didn't go to waste. :)
yesterday i...
went shopping for a killer birthday dress, got a bad case of birthday blues which i let out on eric. after rica hunted me down, she talked sense into me, and eric approached me all apologetic and i just burst out laughing because he was wearing a scarf. all was forgiven because of the damn scarf. an overly dramatic night with a looming storm to boot. but i know that the clouds will clear up pretty soon for everyone.
today i..
treated my family out to lunch in one of my favorite restaurants - shanghai bistro!
tomorrow i...
have to wake up early because of work, after which i'll head to makati to be with eric. then i'll go drinking with friends who could hopefully wait with me until 12am.
next week i...
plan to watch all the cinemalaya films i could watch, get drunk and be merry, and finally buy that damn mini trampoline so i could get back in shape.
next year i...
will no longer be a smoker! hopefully i'll be more financially stable, still co-hosting my show, and hopefully i could act in another play again.
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Me: Wanna bet?
Him: Oh, you're not gonna win this one.
Me: Well, even if you win, I win.
Him: That's true. But.. How come when you win, I lose?
Me: Of course not! When I win.. You're happy for me!
must lose the relationship weight soon. happiness makes me fat!
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sinta28's journal
pensive.
cold.
okay.
sad.
determined.
angry.
tired.
:).
all over the place.
full.
loved.